Walking along the beach one evening I spotted two teenage girls taking pictures of each other and themselves. They were setting the timer on their camera and trying to capture an image of them jumping into the air as the shutter snapped. It reminded me so much of Dannica to hear them laughing as they viewed the results and then tried again and again, laughing harder each time.
Smiling sadly, I moved on toward the waves wanting to stand at the edge of their journey’s end. I found myself feeling a great sense of gratitude that the earth exists and that it sustains us all. I stood, watching the sun set between dark clouds, the waves churning, rolling in and in and in, and I felt at home, a sense of peace and belonging. I also wondered what it would be like to walk slowly into those waves and keep walking and breathing deeply until I could do neither of those things any longer. My life would be simply…. over. Like hers.
Such a fine line.
Was there really an agreement; as Caroline Myss calls it a “Sacred Contract?” There is in every moment the potential for anything and everything, I understand this, but what brought about this particular one? Do we truly create our reality with our thoughts and emotions and actions? Some do believe this completely. Did I think, feel, and somehow act in ways that brought the loss of my daughter’s precious young life into my own? The loss of her life has touched so many so deeply. Did we all who feel this loss so profoundly think, feel, act her out of this world? Did it have anything to do with any of us at all?
It was her life, Sweet Dannica… did she think, feel, act herself to an accidental death at the age of 18? In her next life will she try to imagine what may have been in her previous life? Is she already living that next life? Has her soul moved on? Has she gone into the light? Does it work that way? However it works, I hope this life sparkles for her. I hope she remembers it as being as precious as she will always be to me.
Like the girls on the beach, Danni loved life in such a pure and essential way. She showed me that life is for living, for enjoying, for laughing at and laughing about and for cherishing and for smiling and for anything that brings a smile to my own face or that of another.
It is a brilliant opportunity, this life, to be a daughter or a son, a sibling, a parent, a partner, a grandparent, a grandchild a friend. I’m immeasurably grateful for the opportunity I had to be Dannica’s mother and her friend. It is also a brilliant opportunity to be a human being who is blessed to call this beautiful planet home. I know I have a choice in every moment. I know that I can choose to continue as I am, to choose life on earth. I wonder if she had that choice at the moment she left. I feel that she did have a choice and that her body was so broken that the choice she made was a compassionate one – toward herself, her soul, compassion toward us, who love her so and would have ached at seeing the struggles she’d likely have faced during and following recovery from that horrible, horrible accident. I don’t believe she would have wanted a life of hospitals and doctors and disability and I would not have wanted that for her……….but to have her here…………oh, that selfish, selfish part of me… to have her here, to touch, to kiss, to hold and talk to….
I feel blessed to have a heart full of smiles, laughter and silliness as I remember times with you, Dannica. You are forever young, beautiful and perfect in my memories. Even as I choose to stay, to live out my life, I know that this is the only thing I really can choose. Beyond rejecting suicide, I look forward and I see the whole of this life as an exercise in acceptance of the fact that I have no control over what is, what was, or what will be. The choice I have made is to carry on. When some unforeseen force decides to end that for me, that will be that. It is a helpless feeling and it boggles my mind yet at the same time it relieves me of any need to even try to control anything. So I will continue to live the whole of my life and I will look forward, to the end of my life, to what I believe will be a beautiful reunion with those I have chosen to call family and those who have proven to be family through the sincerity of their friendship as well as those with whom there may have been a sacred contract to bring about change that helped me grow even as I cried, raged, wallowed in anger and hatred of it at the time.
Help me to see the bigger picture. I feel in my heart there must be one.