A Body at Rest, a Mind in Motion

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I had underestimated my ability to watch entire days pass from the single vantage point of my couch.  What I see are the purple ribbons tied into the trees by loved ones.  Danni’s favorite color was purple; mine the combination of purple and green dancing together… the way they will when the leaves again cover those trees.

I see the birds visiting the feeders and remember someone telling me that the birds call the angels.  I understand that sometimes even angels can’t do more than angels can do.  I don’t like that.  But I guess I understand it.  I don’t like that there is simply so much I will never know.  No matter how long I sit on this couch and watch time pass.  That isn’t what will heal me.  I don’t like that, either.  That’s all I feel like doing.  No matter how many times I play the whole scene over in my head, the things I don’t know are still the things I’ll never know.

So many children have been taken this month [Sandy Hook Elementary 12/14/2012].  How can I possibly feel lucky that at least I had 18 years?  My heart aches to know that a month behind me are 40 other parents who are only into their second week of this.  How can I possibly feel lucky that I had not yet bought any Christmas gifts that wouldn’t be received?  How can it feel like a blessing that I no longer need to worry about where she is, who she’s with, whether she’s safe?

In my first post, I invited the world to watch the resilience of the human spirit.  I must have faith that such a thing exists.  I did in that moment.  Many have asked me, “What has this done to your faith?”  My faith.  The first time someone asked me that question, I answered without hesitation, “It’s made it all the stronger.”  I’m not a stranger to loss.  And then I said what I thought I wanted to hear.  “Everything happens for a reason.”  Another thing I sit here thinking about until I realize, I’ll never know what that reason is.

“Any minute now, I’m going to leap up off this couch and…”  That’s what I say just before I drift off into a dark sleep.  I don’t move for hours, I know I’ve slept, but my dreams are gone.  My colorful, detailed, vivid, motion picture dreams are gone.

No, I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m not willing to allow it all to have been for no reason.

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