I had underestimated my ability to watch entire days pass from the single vantage point of my couch. What I see are the purple ribbons tied into the trees by loved ones. Danni’s favorite color was purple; mine the combination of purple and green dancing together… the way they will when the leaves again cover those trees.
I see the birds visiting the feeders and remember someone telling me that the birds call the angels. I understand that sometimes even angels can’t do more than angels can do. I don’t like that. But I guess I understand it. I don’t like that there is simply so much I will never know. No matter how long I sit on this couch and watch time pass. That isn’t what will heal me. I don’t like that, either. That’s all I feel like doing. No matter how many times I play the whole scene over in my head, the things I don’t know are still the things I’ll never know.
So many children have been taken this month [Sandy Hook Elementary 12/14/2012]. How can I possibly feel lucky that at least I had 18 years? My heart aches to know that a month behind me are 40 other parents who are only into their second week of this. How can I possibly feel lucky that I had not yet bought any Christmas gifts that wouldn’t be received? How can it feel like a blessing that I no longer need to worry about where she is, who she’s with, whether she’s safe?
In my first post, I invited the world to watch the resilience of the human spirit. I must have faith that such a thing exists. I did in that moment. Many have asked me, “What has this done to your faith?” My faith. The first time someone asked me that question, I answered without hesitation, “It’s made it all the stronger.” I’m not a stranger to loss. And then I said what I thought I wanted to hear. “Everything happens for a reason.” Another thing I sit here thinking about until I realize, I’ll never know what that reason is.
“Any minute now, I’m going to leap up off this couch and…” That’s what I say just before I drift off into a dark sleep. I don’t move for hours, I know I’ve slept, but my dreams are gone. My colorful, detailed, vivid, motion picture dreams are gone.
No, I don’t know what that reason is, but I’m not willing to allow it all to have been for no reason.